bullshit

Wow...re-reading all my posts...I've been happier. I kind of know why but I'm not ready to accept it. I want to believe in the love that I have. I want to be positive. But really how long can a person be expected to deal with that bullshit....

Butterflies and rainbows

Life isn't always perfect. I prefer to let the negativity go. Being uncomfortable creates growth. This last year has been full of so many ups and downs, wonderful surprises and love. I am grateful for all the beautiful people in my life. I am grateful that I'm being challenged to be a better me. It's not always easy. Usually what irritates me about others is really something that I find irritating about myself. Finding perfection in what is imperfect is what it really is about. Negativity be gone!!

Wait

I feel very sad and lonely. I wonder if I create these situations in my relationships. I feel like this is always a place I end up. What am I doing wrong? He sits in his room and plays video games. I sit in my room and screw around on the internet and watch tv. I feel like I give and try. All I want is affection. I don't care about your money. I don't care about going out. I just care about him. Maybe he's feeling depressed but he doesn't talk to me. I feel helpless, lost, dropped, broken. I'm so frustrated. I don't know where to begin or what to say. Maybe I'm allowing the drama of nothing to take over. Maybe I have too many expectations. I have work and school to fill my time, sometimes. I wait and wait. I try not to push too hard for fear of being pushed away. I slept on the floor of my room last week to avoid a confrontation. He never came after me. That is depressing. Life does not feel like love lately. I want to reach out to a friend to talk about my frustrations but I know I need to talk to him. Does he really want to hear what I have to say? Apparently he feels sick today. I feel like every time I want to talk this becomes his excuse. I should be more sympathetic to how he feels. But what about how I feel. I work 30 hours a week. I'm in school anywhere from 2 to 4 days a week. My time is limited. My sleep schedule is limited but he doesn't seem sympathetic to that. Supposedly he does everything around my schedule but there are times when he'll say 5 minutes and that turns into 45 minutes. I wait and wait.

things

are different and I don't think there is any way to recapture the original feeling. Maybe there is...that seems so negative. I want to be able to have that feeling again but it seems like so many obstacles were put in place to through us off. Yay! I love being vague. Whatever...I still have yoga and lovely friends. It was funny because this person pointed out I have some trust issues...I always expect the other person to leave. Yet I feel so invested in such a short time with this person that I want to make it work. I want that easy feeling back. I want him to ask me out like he use to. I don't mind making plans but I don't really have money to take him out. I hate inviting myself places. I think I'm welcome but sometimes I end up staying too long. Is it all a game? Like who will crack first? Insanity...blissful ignorance...

Oh well...at least I got to see Krista today and have a wonderful conversation and drink coffee. Discuss life goals and dreams and relationships. She is a beautiful person, full of life and love. Then I came home and did some yoga...beautiful!

hella long

since I wrote anything. I moved into a house with 2 other girls and their 2 dogs. One of the girls hasn't really moved in yet. I love living in a house and not an itty bitty ghetto apartment. That was funny for like a month, then it just plain sucked. I finished the math class with a B and some help. I was so happy when that was over. I felt like it was a milestone that needed to be reached to move on to the next. So was moving out of the transitional apartment. Thank the universe for compassionate people.
Once I moved out, it was like the hiding was over. I'm seeing someone new. I felt like I couldn't admit to liking someone else so soon after breaking up with Trevor. But you never know when or where you're gonna meet someone. Of course there were the old creepers who came out from the past but really, why would anyone want to repeat the past when it was so crappy.

I also enrolled at SWIHA (Southwest Institute of Healing Arts) in their yoga teacher training/ yoga therapy program!! I'll have a 460 hour yoga teacher certification and a holistic nutrition certification. Awesome! Two of my favorite things; yoga and cooking!! I'm so excited to get started. My first class is September 7th!! I feel proud that I actually got this going because I'm such a horrible procrastinator.

My birthday is in 17 days...what what!! This is also very exciting because I'm gonna be 30!! Dirty thirty...haha...it seems so surreal to think about the events of my past 30 years...well the parts that I can remember. My last couple of birthdays were pretty awesome, so I hope I can keep that streak going. I'm going out at least 2 nights in a row. Bar Smith for Scenario Wednesday night to get my dance on! And Yucca for Blunt Club and enjoy some hip hop. I also have two dresses for the occasion. One I've never worn before and another that I had hemmed to a more appropriate party level. 17 days seems so long...well actually 16 because Bar Smith is the day before my birthday! Yay fun!
I love you all!!

Moving on

I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job moving on in my life. I've got a place lined up for the first of July. I'm getting a raise at my job. I'm gonna apply for my FAFSA as soon as I file my taxes as soon as they are done. I've got my friends. I've got my confidence in myself. I am okay.

So why is it so difficult for someone else to understand that they have to make those moves on their own. It is not my responsibility to hold your hand in this break up. I am not going to be able to help you move on. That's your responsibility. Once again a reason why I couldn't stay. You couldn't take responsibility for yourself. You want someone else to fix you. That's not my job anymore. I did it for far too long. If this makes me an awful person for coming to these conclusions, then I'm an awful person.

Sometimes you must love people from afar. I think this is one of those situations. I cannot be around you without you tearing(sp) up. You still want to be right all the time. It feels toxic to be around you. It only brings me down and I'm done being brought down.

I want uplifting supportive people in my life. People that add happiness not suck it from my very being. And now I can't even cry over the break up. I already cried. I'm all fucking cried out.

All I can do is love from afar today.

its

pretty annoying when you feel like you're not allowed to admit that you're happy because you're afraid of hurting someone's feelings. But damnit, I'm feeling happy. I hate that what happened hurt him but break-ups usually hurt. It wasn't easy for me but I felt like it was the best for both of us. I really just want to wish him the best and I hope we can eventually be friends. I appreciate all the love and support from all of our friends. It's crazy to think that its only been 2 and a half weeks since we broke up. We were together for 2 and a half years. My second longest adult relationship.

I feel like this time around being single, I'm in a much more mature and confident place as a person. Yeah, I might have dealt with the break-up kind of shitty but damn its awkward still living with someone when you're ready to move forward/on. I'm excited to move into a new place. I can't wait for school to begin. And holy crap, I'll be 30 in August! WTF!! I do not think that's old but its some weird milestone that people trump up. Whatever! I want to go go-cart racing or roller-skating! hahaha...so much more to come...loves