yoga is my center

I haven't done yoga on my own in awhile. Feels so good. Stretchy and lean. Pigeon pose is one of my favorites, funny that its named after one of my least favorite birds. The actual sanskrit name is Eka Pada Rajakapotasana. Everyone and everything is love. Smile!

ramblings

I feel like writing. I feel like moving. I feel like going to the gym but I'm not sure that is actually going to happen. I'm worried bout my financial situation. I'm in love for the first time in 3 years. I am now a dog owner. Many things seem terrifying lately. Some are so beautiful I feel as if I'm floating. I met with my brother today to give him the barstools I picked up for my dad. My brother is taking them to my dad tomorrow. But anyways, my brother and I had a great conversation. We don't talk much but when we do it flows. He's such an easy person to get along with. I'm blessed to have him in my life. I haven't heard from my boyfriend today. Apparently we're going on a double date tonight, drinking...my goodness I've spent quite a bit of this summer drunk. Cheap and easy entertainment, for real! I start work next week. Not just going in when I feel like it. Waking up at an ungodly hour to be on time. Then coming home and passing out because I'm not use to being up so early, so it's going to be hard for me to fall asleep at an appropriate time. Plus my body will probably go into withdrawls because I won't be assaulting it with as much liquor as I've put into it this summer. My liver is probably damaged. I'd say 95% of my alcohol-fueled time this summer was awesome. Unfortunately I cry when wasted and at one point got very angry with my boyfriend. He still loves me! Score me! I'm just feeling slightly unfocused right now and I'm trying to find my balance again. Not working for ten weeks has been really weird but awesome. I'm glad I survived my summer without having to work at the coffee shop. The universe provides. Love and compassion.

I am so tired

I totally overdid it last night but I have less than two weeks before I have to go back to my normal job. This has been the summer of excess for sure. I've enjoyed every minute of it. I've learned more about myself as usual. I love being in love. My boyfriend is awesome! His friends have wholeheartedly accepted me into their group. I've maintained my other friendships as well as gaining new ones. Life is pretty damn pleasant.

meh

My ego is running wild today. My thoughts feel out of control. I fear judgement because I judge myself. I have been told not to worry. Yet I worry. Does not knowing make the situation okay? Will it come back to bite me in the ass later? I don't know. The I don't know part is the part that freaks me out. I thought I was okay with myself. I guess there is one part that I do judge kind of harshly. There are so many negative words associated with a female who's had more than a respectable amount of partners but what is respectable. I read this great book called the Ethical Slut. It speaks to open relationships, which personally I don't think I could do but if it works for you go for it. It also approaches issues such as boundaries, communication, and jealousy. One should never have a serious conversation with their person when inebriated. Nothing makes sense.
I do believe him when he says he doesn't care and he thought it was funny that he didn't know because we've been dating for 7 months. But in my state I did not take it as funny and I freaked the fuck out. Yet I realize now why I behaved the way I did. I don't want him to judge me because I judge me.
I've been going on and on about how great our communication skills are and yet I was afraid of this one fact. I love him and I don't want him to think any less of me. I'm still me. I'm still love.

expectations

oh this world and it's silly expectations. I made a teasing comment about responsibility the other night while in the company of my boyfriend and two of his roommates. The roommates both have 9-5 jobs and are fullfilling their spot in society. My boyfriend also has a job but some might judge and say it is not a worthy job. He's told old to have the kind of job he does but who cares. He's taking care of his bills and making money to have fun as well. My comment, now that I reflect on it, was insensitive to this. I rant about how society's expectations are stupid. We are suppose to graduate college, fall in love, get married, and have children. And only then have we fullfilled our place in this world. But why does that make you a successful person? I believe that a successful person is making themselves happy and giving love to everyone. For one we are all love and we are here in this world to be happy. Selfishly happy first because if we want to love others, we have to be able to love ourselves first. A car, a job, a home does not define who we are. We define ourselves by our attitudes and how we choose to love!

new month

This morning I woke up reflecting on how delightful it is to sleep till 10 and have a couple cups of coffee before my day starts. I've been teaching for 5 and a 1/2 years. For the most part I've absolutely loved it. I love working with children and every day is different. Unfortunately I am not a morning person and this job can be so emotionally exhausting. Last year was rough. Within the first three months I cried at least once or twice a week. It just reaffirmed my desire to find a different job after this school year. Yet what are my possibilities? I'm use to living a certain way. I'd have to get rid of my condo which I can barely afford right now. I want to get rid of it this second but I'm not in a situation where this is realistic. I'm hoping to put it up for sale in November. Then we shall see.
People ask me what I'm going to do after teaching. Where am I going to go? Honestly I have no idea. I'd like to write for a newspaper, magazine, myself. I'd like to go back to school. I had aspirations of being a fashion designer in high school but what I'd really love to do is work for a designer. Or work in marketing for a company I respected.
My boyfriend and I discussed moving in together after this school year, which is a pretty big deal to me. We even discussed moving to another state. Yet who knows what will happen in the next year...