things

are different and I don't think there is any way to recapture the original feeling. Maybe there is...that seems so negative. I want to be able to have that feeling again but it seems like so many obstacles were put in place to through us off. Yay! I love being vague. Whatever...I still have yoga and lovely friends. It was funny because this person pointed out I have some trust issues...I always expect the other person to leave. Yet I feel so invested in such a short time with this person that I want to make it work. I want that easy feeling back. I want him to ask me out like he use to. I don't mind making plans but I don't really have money to take him out. I hate inviting myself places. I think I'm welcome but sometimes I end up staying too long. Is it all a game? Like who will crack first? Insanity...blissful ignorance...

Oh well...at least I got to see Krista today and have a wonderful conversation and drink coffee. Discuss life goals and dreams and relationships. She is a beautiful person, full of life and love. Then I came home and did some yoga...beautiful!

hella long

since I wrote anything. I moved into a house with 2 other girls and their 2 dogs. One of the girls hasn't really moved in yet. I love living in a house and not an itty bitty ghetto apartment. That was funny for like a month, then it just plain sucked. I finished the math class with a B and some help. I was so happy when that was over. I felt like it was a milestone that needed to be reached to move on to the next. So was moving out of the transitional apartment. Thank the universe for compassionate people.
Once I moved out, it was like the hiding was over. I'm seeing someone new. I felt like I couldn't admit to liking someone else so soon after breaking up with Trevor. But you never know when or where you're gonna meet someone. Of course there were the old creepers who came out from the past but really, why would anyone want to repeat the past when it was so crappy.

I also enrolled at SWIHA (Southwest Institute of Healing Arts) in their yoga teacher training/ yoga therapy program!! I'll have a 460 hour yoga teacher certification and a holistic nutrition certification. Awesome! Two of my favorite things; yoga and cooking!! I'm so excited to get started. My first class is September 7th!! I feel proud that I actually got this going because I'm such a horrible procrastinator.

My birthday is in 17 days...what what!! This is also very exciting because I'm gonna be 30!! Dirty thirty...haha...it seems so surreal to think about the events of my past 30 years...well the parts that I can remember. My last couple of birthdays were pretty awesome, so I hope I can keep that streak going. I'm going out at least 2 nights in a row. Bar Smith for Scenario Wednesday night to get my dance on! And Yucca for Blunt Club and enjoy some hip hop. I also have two dresses for the occasion. One I've never worn before and another that I had hemmed to a more appropriate party level. 17 days seems so long...well actually 16 because Bar Smith is the day before my birthday! Yay fun!
I love you all!!

Moving on

I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job moving on in my life. I've got a place lined up for the first of July. I'm getting a raise at my job. I'm gonna apply for my FAFSA as soon as I file my taxes as soon as they are done. I've got my friends. I've got my confidence in myself. I am okay.

So why is it so difficult for someone else to understand that they have to make those moves on their own. It is not my responsibility to hold your hand in this break up. I am not going to be able to help you move on. That's your responsibility. Once again a reason why I couldn't stay. You couldn't take responsibility for yourself. You want someone else to fix you. That's not my job anymore. I did it for far too long. If this makes me an awful person for coming to these conclusions, then I'm an awful person.

Sometimes you must love people from afar. I think this is one of those situations. I cannot be around you without you tearing(sp) up. You still want to be right all the time. It feels toxic to be around you. It only brings me down and I'm done being brought down.

I want uplifting supportive people in my life. People that add happiness not suck it from my very being. And now I can't even cry over the break up. I already cried. I'm all fucking cried out.

All I can do is love from afar today.

its

pretty annoying when you feel like you're not allowed to admit that you're happy because you're afraid of hurting someone's feelings. But damnit, I'm feeling happy. I hate that what happened hurt him but break-ups usually hurt. It wasn't easy for me but I felt like it was the best for both of us. I really just want to wish him the best and I hope we can eventually be friends. I appreciate all the love and support from all of our friends. It's crazy to think that its only been 2 and a half weeks since we broke up. We were together for 2 and a half years. My second longest adult relationship.

I feel like this time around being single, I'm in a much more mature and confident place as a person. Yeah, I might have dealt with the break-up kind of shitty but damn its awkward still living with someone when you're ready to move forward/on. I'm excited to move into a new place. I can't wait for school to begin. And holy crap, I'll be 30 in August! WTF!! I do not think that's old but its some weird milestone that people trump up. Whatever! I want to go go-cart racing or roller-skating! hahaha...so much more to come...loves

oh wow

So many changes to my life. A temporary place to live. I hope I can stay here until mid-June. Then I'm gonna move into a two bedroom apartment with a friend. She'll only be staying there a couple nights a week at first. So I'll basically be living on my own again. I'm looking forward to that. I've got cool roomies right now but it's kinda weird that they're mutual friends. I'm going back to school in the fall, some way some how! I must get my yoga teacher certification. That's what I want to do! So I'm going to do it. Moving forward...much love!

Well I'm drunk again. Hahaha! So I'm going to see Atmosphere in Tucson May 4th. So freaking excited! I need some fun in my life. So there!

I don't like days off any more...meh

I realize this is not the end of the world shit. It just feels like life was getting back on track...my insurance was going down again, we have another cheaper but nicer place to live, Trevor got a job and then this accident. I must remember it was an accident. But fuck...we can't afford this. It pains me to see my boyfriend in pain and not being able to wave a magic wand and make his teeth come back or for the accident to never have happened. Plus I'm going to have the image of him holding a t-shirt up to his mouth and blood streaking down both of his hands. His cries of pain and frustration about how he's fucked running through my mind while I'm trying to fall asleep. I have to keep remembering that it will get taken care of. His teeth will be fixed. His lip will heal. We are moving out of this crazy apartment complex into a house with a friend. Small victories. Love

Seriously universe!

disbelief, anger, frustration, sadness...this doesn't seem real. I know I'm not the one with a fucked up grill, stitches in my lip and no insurance but I still feel pain. I'm so overwhelmed with a billion emotions. mehhhh

Ugh

I still feel pretty shitty about Friday night. I got wasted and blacked out and Trevor had to get me home because I was basically making a fool of myself. I woke up at 12pm yesterday and immediately started looking for my debit card and my phone. Both were nowhere to be found. FUCK! I went back to sleep and decided to deal with both when I was more coherent.

Once I actually woke up, around 3:30ish pm, I called my bank and cancelled my card. Then I called Verizon and switched to an old phone. Both fairly easy calls to make. At this point my body decided this was too much activity for me and I puked. The kind where there is nothing in your stomach but water. Blehhhhhh...

On top of all this nonsense, I end up seeing one of Trevor's friends that we went out with and the first thing he does is hand me my bank card. Well shit, I wish I knew he had it because I wouldn't have cancelled my card.

Then I wake up at some point today to my blackberry sitting on the night stand. Apparently Trevor found it just sitting on the living room floor. I was so out of it yesterday, that I didn't even notice my phone's presence in the room. Fuck me!

Oh well...at least I got my shit back...my dignity was a little bruised and I feel crappy that my boyfriend had to take care of me. I'm lucky to have him! :)

Good Morning!

nevermind, its actually afternoon. hahaha...I'm sooo funny! This whole sleeping in thing is getting out of control. I actually got out of bed at 11:30am but it seems that there are many days when I don't roll out of bed until noon or later. I feel like this is probably not something any other 29 year old person is doing. Although, I don't know any other 29 year old hostesses either. Plus I mostly work in the evening. Then I get home and am not ready to go to sleep. I enjoy a few drinks with my boyfriend. We talk and he plays COD. Its actually a rather enjoyable way of spending an evening.
Fortunately/unfortunately these evenings will probably come to an end soon. Trevor has a lead on a job! He starts Friday and he'll be given more details about what will be expected of him. I hope that it will be something that he enjoys or at least can tolerate.
I feel extremely peaceful in this lifestyle that my boyfriend and I are creating. I remember writing over a year ago, about how I wanted to wake up in the late morning and drink a cup of coffee. I enjoy slowly starting my day. I feel like I took an early part of my 20's and tried to be a person I was not, too adultish. Now I get to be who I want with a person who accepts ME!
Goals to be accomplished in no particular order:
Travel to as many different countries as possible
Move to another state
Buy new clothes
Become a yoga instructor
Go snowboarding
Jump out of an airplane again