Christmas miracles

Where to begin...this year has been amazing, fantastic, incredible, and sometimes sad. But I kept my head up and kept moving forward. There is an offer on my home. I feel optimistic that it will go through. My lovely boyfriend's cat was found 35 miles away from home. I've made friends who have become family. I'm smiling so big because I know that it is in my power to make myself happy. It's all in the choices we make. I could have run away from love a year ago because I was afraid of the consequences. Instead I faced those fears straight on and now I have a fantastic relationship with a person who supports and accepts me for who I am. I have found the love in my parents that I didn't always realize was there. I've loved when I felt like I should walk away. I've accepted my friends' happiness because that's what a good friend does. I think I felt like a person was being taken from me but now I believe in what she wants. I am happy for her. I will always be there for my friends. People surprise you.
I feel like I'm bursting with happiness right now and I want to share it with everyone. I expected nothing out of today and was given another reason to believe. This is honestly the first holiday season since I've been divorced that I have been truly happy to celebrate all the beauty of the relationships that I've developed since then. When I look back at that sad person 3 years ago, I congratulate her on getting through some very tough times. I held my head up and didn't make excuses for who I was, am. I have lived my life the way I want it to be and I will keep doing just that. This may seem vague to some just cause I'm not all that comfortable giving away all the details. :) But wow...I've made so many great choices and learned so many awesome lessons. I am seriously thankful for all the wonderful people who've supported me in the last 3 and a half years. I've been allowed to be me.
We should all be ourselves and that is ultimately love. I love you.

epiphanies

Life has been rough lately. I'm short saling my house. I've got classes to finish at work so I don't lose my job. I know this is my last year teaching for awhile and it's freaking me out.
I have also been dating my boyfriend for almost a year and this is only my second longest mature relationship and I'm 28. I feel like I've got some major life changes coming up and it is extremely overwhelming. Actually I know the things are happening and it just seems so crazy.
I don't know where I am suppose to be as a 28 year old woman but here I am. I'm not married and I don't have kids. I don't want those things anymore. When I started teaching that was what I was building my life around. I was married, we were talking about having kids. Then I realized I was trying to be a person I am not. He was not the person I wanted anymore. Now I am doing things for myself. I am a fiercely independent person. I know I can deal with all that is going on in my life alone but I am dating a wonderful man. All he asks is that we share our lives together.
I think I've felt stressed over certain things lately because I haven't been sharing enough with my boyfriend. I don't want to push him away but I find myself doing that unconciously.
The reason I say epiphanies deals with the fact that I couldn't pinpoint why I was freaking out. I've been holding so much emotion in. Keeping a smiley face when I've just felt like screaming and crying. Yet my emotions bubble over at inappropriate times. Crying for the wrong reasons. Making my boyfriend worry. Blaming him for things that have nothing to do with him.
Sometimes I feel strain in our relationship but I realize every relationship experiences this. Before I would want to run. Now I know we can make it through. We will support and love each other. I think I also let my dad's negative words affect me more than I care to admit. As I've said before, I could care less if my boyfriend drove a BMW and had a high paying corporate job. Material things don't mean so much to me anymore.
Does my boyfriend love me for exactly who I am? Yes. Do I love him for who he is? Yes. That's all that really matters. We're gonna make this work because we can.
Life is ridiculous and amazing all at the same time. There is so much love out there. Be love.

annoyed annoyed annoyed....ugh...its not really anybody's fault. I just have to be responsible and I cannot go out and have fun with the people I would like to. I have to be responsible and clean up my home so I can sell it. It will also help with not feeling so damn overwhelmed. Yet at the same time I'm irritated because I don't get to do what I want and other things that are making me irritable that I don't want to share. I don't want to share because I don't feel as though I can be articulate about what I'm feeling. I'm not sure that it is rational so I'd be kind of embarrassed if I misinterpreted something. Whatever...I'll be fine tomorrow. love you

Where do you want to be in ten years?

My dad presented me with this question tonight. Like if I don't know where I want to be when I'm 38, I'm a failure. That's how it felt. I only know I'd like to move out of Arizona. I want to pursue a different career. I love teaching but I want to try something else. I've made some serious mistakes with my home in the last 3 months and now I'm dealing with the pressure. It's shitty. I'm happy to have my friends and boyfriend around to support me. My dad doesn't like my boyfriend. Actually my dad believes I could do better. What would be better? If I'm happy now with my boyfriend, why would I break up with him to see if the grass is greener? I don't want to break up with him. I hate that my dad brought this up. I think it makes me angry or hurts my soul because I feel like I've made a good choice in a boyfriend. I feel like I've finally got it right and now my dad is telling me I haven't. I love that my boyfriend doesn't know exactly what he wants to do because neither do I. I feel like we'll find that out together. Is that me being seriously naive? I don't know. I'm living this life. I'm learning. I'm believing in love. I know love does not conquer all but it does help you move forward. I'm never going to make my parents one hundred percent proud of me. They will probably disagree with some of my decisions. That's inevitable. I need to accept this. I wish Jess was here. She is my soundboard for things like this. Misty helps. She is busy tonight. So blog I have you. I love me. I make decisions for me. I am proud of me.

I went to the override meeting at my school tonight and heard some of the dumbest stuff. I'm not usually one to criticize. I love to preach love but when a parent says, "Can the school district wean itself off the 35 million dollars provided by the override?"...I'm shocked. Really?? Yeah, lets cut teacher's jobs, school supplies, and close schools because we don't have the staff to run them. That seems logical! Arizona is ranked as the 50th state in spending per student. That's as low as we can go. So yeah lets cut more money from the budget and provide our students with a quality education. Sounds awesome.

Honestly I hope this person is at least a little more knowledgable bout how an override works after tonight and does not make that suggestion again. This is why we need to educate people.

hello September!

When the heck did this happen? Apparently I've been having a lot of fun because time is flying. School rocks! 6th grade is my favorite grade ever to teach! I love it! Tomorrow is my boyfriend's birthday and I'm super stoked to be celebrating it with him. I believe this weekend is going to be silly but in an absolutely fucking fantastic way.
Plus I talked to my mom last night bout my home situation and she was amazingly supportive. I've definitely felt ashamed that I got myself in this situation but I can get myself out. It was nice to hear my mom say that she'd be there for me no matter what happened. I was honestly afraid of letting my parents down. I can't believe I'm 28 and I'm still worried about what my parents think of me. But there it is. It's still happening.
My dad also got to meet my boyfriend which was awesome. My dad didn't say a whole lot but when he did talk he was entertaining. Saying out right untrue things just to try to throw my boyfriend off. Speaking spanish to my bf, who speaks some, was also fun to listen to. I'm proud of my boyfriend for trying. I think he did really well. I believe my dad just appreciates when someone tries to speak spanish.
Okay! Off to take care of my dog and get ready to hang out with my boyfriend!
Yay me! Life rocks! I love you life!

i think...

I figured out some of it...He's amazing and so am I. Together we are absolutely fantastic. Sometimes people just fit like puzzle pieces...there's no rhyme or reason, it just happens. I love when things happen organically...I feel like we try to force situations together and then when they don't work we get disappointed but when we just live life and have no expectations the best things arise...smile smile you might make someone's day!

Things that make me happy!

So I'm feeling kinda freaked out bout my home situation. Its assessed at a lower value than what I paid for it and I can't afford it. Plus I kept my old roomie's dog because she hadn't found him a new owner before she moved. I can't keep him. I can't afford him and I don't have time for him. It's such a bummer. Okay, the real reason I'm writing this blog, I don't like feeling down. Therefore I am writing a list of people and things that make me super happy!

My amazing boyfriend; one of the best relationships I've ever been in
my niece and nephew; the most adorable children EVER!!
my mom and dad; their love and support mean so much
my rad group of friends; we laugh together, cry together, get silly together, they are fantastic
my queen size bed at the end of a hectic day or even a lovely day. it's soooooo comfy. especially all the squishy pillows.
avocados
penguins
puppies
a great book
writing
when my curly hair behaves
laughing at ridiculous shit
playing with my ears
hugs
love :)

holy christmas! Today is my last day of preparation before my first day of teaching tomorrow. Well my 6th year of teaching but first days are crazy and awesome!!

can I just say how hilarious it is to be told that I need to find a husband?? hehe...I've already had a husband and that did not go very well. I'm working on loving the person I'm with now and he is fantastic. So to people who believe one must get married, good for you. But not everyone has the same opinion. I love you.

No more breathalyzer tomorrow!

I don't know why I haven't written about this sooner but now that my year with the breathalyzer is coming to a close, I think I can.
April 17, 2008
It was like any other Thursday night at Starbucks. I was serving tasty drinks and pondering the possibility of Blunt Club. Probably not the best idea since I had to get up and teach in the morning. I decided not to go.
At the time I was seeing this dude and I called him on my break. Unfortunately for me his roomie answered the phone and I didn't realize this, at first. Our conversation basically went along the lines of a booty call for the evening but his voice sounded strange. Something in it threw me off. I asked if it was really him and he just giggled and said the guy I was trying to call had left his phone at home. Crap. I felt pretty embarassed at the time. Which is stupid to think about now in the scheme of things. Basically I used this silly moment to give me an excuse to go to the club.
I raced to the club after work and swore to myself that I would only have 2 drinks because I had to drive home to make it to work in the morning. I think I got to the club about midnight.
My new friend Misty met me just inside with a beer for her and one for me. This seemed like a great way to start the evening. We roamed around the club, talking to our respective friends, realizing we had a few in common and meeting new ones. There was this young man there who was flirting with me. A couple of my friends wanted me to make out with him. He even walked up to me at one point in the night and slapped my ass. I made him buy me a drink.
Okay, so 2 drinks turned into 4. Then I was kicking it with a new friend and we decided to solidify our new friendship with a shot. Plus she gave me the number for a taxi, so I could make the smart decision and NOT drink. Sweet! Then I met a new friend and told him that doing tequila shots with wheels(ie. lime and salt) was for whimps. I'm so cool. So drink 6 of the evening comences. Oh and these shots happened within the last half hour I was at the club.
Things get a little hazy after this. If you haven't been keeping up, I have now consumed 6 drinks in 2 hours. I'm a champ. Shortly after the 2nd shot(my 6th drink) I decided I needed to go home because I had to work in the morning. I don't remember this but my friend, Sean tried to grab me as I exited the club. Someone called his name and he turned around to see who. He said when he turned back around I was gone.
I do remember going to retrieve my vehicle from the valet. Another dude I know was working and pulled my car up, so I could peace out.
I pulled out of the parking lot onto the road, heading south towards home. I decided I needed to listen to my new cd. As I was struggling to get it out of the holder, I took my eyes off the road. Just seconds passed when I looked up and saw the red lights and stopped cars. I saw one open lane and figured that was my best bet but I couldn't stop soon enough.
I ran the red light and hit another vehicle going east. My car spun to the left, my right tire caught on the median and stopped. My airbag did not release but my seatbelt locked into place. My head snapped forward and hit the steering wheel. I sat up and tried turning my car on. It was a knee jerk reaction. I couldn't have driven away from that. A couple of guys approached my car and asked me if I was okay. Ha....fucking freaked out is a better way to describe how I was feeling. So many thoughts were racing through my mind. Was anyone hurt? Holy shit, I've been drinking. Oh my god I have to go to work in the morning.
The bystanders walked me to the curb. The police had already been called. I called my friends that I had been with that night, brother and sister. They said they'd be on their way as soon as they could. I cried. I called more people.
Thank god no one was hurt. The guy I hit just seemed stunned. I was too drunk to really get what was going on. I spoke to the police but I was too wasted to write anything down. My friend Misty did that for me. I thought I had to do the field sobriety test, which I found out later you can refuse. The police then breathalyzed me. At the time they did not tell me what my blood alcohol level was but they did proceed to arrest me for drunk driving. My heart broke. I quietly walked with them to the police cruiser. I cried quietly in the back while we drove to the station. I also managed to text with my hands handcuffed behind my back. I'm pretty flexible.
At the police station, no females were working that night. I had to pull my phone and car key out of the front of my jeans with my hands still handcuffed. I had to pee in a cold metal toilet in a cell.
After this the nice police officer led me to a bench that had a breathalyzer machine next to it and he handcuffed one of my wrists to it. He made me blow two more times before I could leave. My BAC was .149, just under the extreme limit. I felt humiliated in that place. How the hell could this be happening to me? There were moments when I felt like I couldn't breathe. At one point the police officer left me sitting on the bench. I played with the handcuff on my wrist and realized I could pull it halfway up my hand. I just thought it was funny. It wasn't like I'd run out of there. I was just messing around.
The cop caught me messing around and said he'd put the handcuffs on me tighter next time. Douche.
Finally paperwork and breathalyzing was done. I could go home. My friends Dusty and Misty came to pick me up. I had to wait for them in the back of the police cruiser, handcuffs much tighter this time. When they showed up, the cop let me out and took the handcuffs off. I was irritated with him for making them tighter, then he proceeds to say that he has to take my picture. I gave him an angry glare. My buddy Dusty said it was pretty funny. I kind of wish I had seen it now. Oh well.
Tomorrow the breathalyzer will be gone. I'll be able to get a new ID without the words 'interlock ignition' printed on it. I still have 6 years of the DUI being on my record. I can now say that I've spent 24 hours in jail. Although who really wants to add that to their list of accomplishments. I've never even gotten a speeding ticket. Now I have to pay almost double for insurance and I had to buy a new car. My beautiful Honda was totalled in the accident.
All in all it was a costly, humbling, humiliating experience. I couldn't have made it without the ridiculously amazing support of my family and friends. Those first few weeks after the accident, I was afraid to venture out of my home. I had to figure out ways to get to work. Sometimes I think God, if she exists, only gives you enough that you can handle. As I've said before the universe provides. I am super thankful no one was hurt in the accident. I know I'd be a mess right now. Even better than that, I know how strong I am.

yoga is my center

I haven't done yoga on my own in awhile. Feels so good. Stretchy and lean. Pigeon pose is one of my favorites, funny that its named after one of my least favorite birds. The actual sanskrit name is Eka Pada Rajakapotasana. Everyone and everything is love. Smile!

ramblings

I feel like writing. I feel like moving. I feel like going to the gym but I'm not sure that is actually going to happen. I'm worried bout my financial situation. I'm in love for the first time in 3 years. I am now a dog owner. Many things seem terrifying lately. Some are so beautiful I feel as if I'm floating. I met with my brother today to give him the barstools I picked up for my dad. My brother is taking them to my dad tomorrow. But anyways, my brother and I had a great conversation. We don't talk much but when we do it flows. He's such an easy person to get along with. I'm blessed to have him in my life. I haven't heard from my boyfriend today. Apparently we're going on a double date tonight, drinking...my goodness I've spent quite a bit of this summer drunk. Cheap and easy entertainment, for real! I start work next week. Not just going in when I feel like it. Waking up at an ungodly hour to be on time. Then coming home and passing out because I'm not use to being up so early, so it's going to be hard for me to fall asleep at an appropriate time. Plus my body will probably go into withdrawls because I won't be assaulting it with as much liquor as I've put into it this summer. My liver is probably damaged. I'd say 95% of my alcohol-fueled time this summer was awesome. Unfortunately I cry when wasted and at one point got very angry with my boyfriend. He still loves me! Score me! I'm just feeling slightly unfocused right now and I'm trying to find my balance again. Not working for ten weeks has been really weird but awesome. I'm glad I survived my summer without having to work at the coffee shop. The universe provides. Love and compassion.

I am so tired

I totally overdid it last night but I have less than two weeks before I have to go back to my normal job. This has been the summer of excess for sure. I've enjoyed every minute of it. I've learned more about myself as usual. I love being in love. My boyfriend is awesome! His friends have wholeheartedly accepted me into their group. I've maintained my other friendships as well as gaining new ones. Life is pretty damn pleasant.

meh

My ego is running wild today. My thoughts feel out of control. I fear judgement because I judge myself. I have been told not to worry. Yet I worry. Does not knowing make the situation okay? Will it come back to bite me in the ass later? I don't know. The I don't know part is the part that freaks me out. I thought I was okay with myself. I guess there is one part that I do judge kind of harshly. There are so many negative words associated with a female who's had more than a respectable amount of partners but what is respectable. I read this great book called the Ethical Slut. It speaks to open relationships, which personally I don't think I could do but if it works for you go for it. It also approaches issues such as boundaries, communication, and jealousy. One should never have a serious conversation with their person when inebriated. Nothing makes sense.
I do believe him when he says he doesn't care and he thought it was funny that he didn't know because we've been dating for 7 months. But in my state I did not take it as funny and I freaked the fuck out. Yet I realize now why I behaved the way I did. I don't want him to judge me because I judge me.
I've been going on and on about how great our communication skills are and yet I was afraid of this one fact. I love him and I don't want him to think any less of me. I'm still me. I'm still love.

expectations

oh this world and it's silly expectations. I made a teasing comment about responsibility the other night while in the company of my boyfriend and two of his roommates. The roommates both have 9-5 jobs and are fullfilling their spot in society. My boyfriend also has a job but some might judge and say it is not a worthy job. He's told old to have the kind of job he does but who cares. He's taking care of his bills and making money to have fun as well. My comment, now that I reflect on it, was insensitive to this. I rant about how society's expectations are stupid. We are suppose to graduate college, fall in love, get married, and have children. And only then have we fullfilled our place in this world. But why does that make you a successful person? I believe that a successful person is making themselves happy and giving love to everyone. For one we are all love and we are here in this world to be happy. Selfishly happy first because if we want to love others, we have to be able to love ourselves first. A car, a job, a home does not define who we are. We define ourselves by our attitudes and how we choose to love!

new month

This morning I woke up reflecting on how delightful it is to sleep till 10 and have a couple cups of coffee before my day starts. I've been teaching for 5 and a 1/2 years. For the most part I've absolutely loved it. I love working with children and every day is different. Unfortunately I am not a morning person and this job can be so emotionally exhausting. Last year was rough. Within the first three months I cried at least once or twice a week. It just reaffirmed my desire to find a different job after this school year. Yet what are my possibilities? I'm use to living a certain way. I'd have to get rid of my condo which I can barely afford right now. I want to get rid of it this second but I'm not in a situation where this is realistic. I'm hoping to put it up for sale in November. Then we shall see.
People ask me what I'm going to do after teaching. Where am I going to go? Honestly I have no idea. I'd like to write for a newspaper, magazine, myself. I'd like to go back to school. I had aspirations of being a fashion designer in high school but what I'd really love to do is work for a designer. Or work in marketing for a company I respected.
My boyfriend and I discussed moving in together after this school year, which is a pretty big deal to me. We even discussed moving to another state. Yet who knows what will happen in the next year...

steps

Last night was a new step in my romantic relationship. This is only my second longest mature relationship. One of the great skills I've been able to learn in this relationship is communication. We have the best conversations about life, silliness, our similarities, etc. We've come to the mutual understanding that we can talk about anything. Our minds are open to our ideas. We have respect for each other. There is something beautiful when two people can express what they're thinking without fear of judgement.
I've been at a place in my life where I walked on eggshells around the person I loved. I was afraid to speak my mind, which also meant I was afraid to stand up for myself. I wasn't respected, so in turn I did not trust him.
In this relationship our ability to maturely communicate with each other has helped us respect and trust each other on a level that I've never experienced in a romantic relationship. I've learned so much about myself in this relationship. I can keep who I am, while still being part of a couple. I am not conceding to someone else's beliefs to appease them, therefore compromising my sense of self.
I feel this is true love. We have our flaws of course but it is all in one's perspective. We find a balance. We take care of each other's hearts and souls.
Love is beautiful.

This afternoon was so rad! I went to Rimrock to pick up my roomie from her dad's house. I took our friend Diane and her dog (he's a pit), Thor with me. Thor has ridiculous gas for a dog. So not only were we laughing our asses off while listening to Beyonce's Halo, we were also immaturely laughing everytime Thor farted. They were those silent but deadly types and made you choke and your eyes watered every time he'd emit one. I love these ladies so much. We laugh over the most ridiculous shit! I figure part of it has to do with all of our sun signs. We are all fire signs; Leo, Aries, and Sagittarius. I love love love my friends!!

introspections

oh this thing we call love...why does it cause so much pain? We are sucked in during the early stages with wide open hearts and googly eyes. I feel lucky as of late because I've found someone who accepts me for me and I do the same for him. It hurts me to hear my friends discuss the heartbreak they are contending with when I finally realized these relationships have to happen organically. We push and shove until we get what we want, then we don't want what we have.
Sometimes I feel like I have more than my share of love. Maybe a little guilty that I am loved. Yet I know that we all deserve all the love that is out there. As long as we love ourselves and give love freely, will we recieve it in return.
I feel that my past experience with divorce and friendship loss makes me more thankful for what I have right now. My boyfriend and friends help me live in the present and enjoy everyday. Maybe that is why it is so easy to love them. I need to say I love you more often.
I love you!!

waiting

I am a math nerd. A friend of mine is taking an online college math class to fullfill a requirement for her degree. She asked me to help her out. Who knew helping out meant completing the assignments for her? I'm not all that perturbed by doing this. I enjoy math. There is something so logical about it. The answer is always the same. You complete a formula to get an answer. Nobody is watching you solve the problem and judging you.
There is one thing that bothers me. She is one of those people who runs on their own time. You tell her to be ready in an hour, she won't be ready for two. She says she'll pick you up at 10:30ish, this actually means 11 to 11:15. She'll be over in half an hour to start work. An hour and a half later, she shows up.
I've known multiple people like this. The only thing they are saying by their actions is that their time is more important than yours. A disrespectful act if there ever was one. I could keep bitching and not saying anything to her but that's not going to solve anything. I'm going to have to lay it out for her today when she comes by. We planned on noon, leaving it a little loose. But she texted me this morning and said she wouldn't be back in town till 1:30. Holy crap.
I still love her but there are some things one should not accept when loving others. I don't want to get treated disrespectfully in any relationship. Maybe next time I'll write about loving someone from afar.
I'm still love and so are you! :)

so I'm trying

to figure out where I want my writing to go. Of course I titled this blog life is love and that definitely has a direct connection to what I want to write about. I'm personally conflicted on how much personal information I should share. I guess it doesn't really matter as long as I keep things generic.
I recently got a new tattoo. I'm a firm believer in pieces that have significance to a person. My roomie is leaving for two years to join the Peace Corps. I'm so proud of her choice yet ridiculously sad that she will not be my roommate anymore. She is a beautiful person/soul. I don't believe I can replace her with anyone else. I'd be disappointed by any other person. She puts up with my mess and gives great advice. We philosophize together.
One of the reason's we chose to get the word "Love" tattooed on our bodies is based on the teachings of yoga. Giving love without expecting anything in return or loving someone for exactly who they are and not wanting to change them is a beautiful yogic belief. Plus once you can love yourself for who you are, it is easier to share that love with others. Something that seems like an inherent need in any human.
My roommate taught me so much about love this year. She never complained about my messy habits. She listened to me when I would bitch about the guys I dated. She shares my love for eastern philosophy and yoga in particular. We laugh like crazy people when we're together. I cannot believe I've known her off and on for 21 years. I feel like she's my sister.
I will feel sad when she leaves but something we learned through yoga will soothe me. Everything has a beginning and an ending. Obviously this is not a new thought. But relating it to yoga helps me understand that endings don't have to be "bad." They just bring something new and exciting to the next part of your life.
be love

so everyone else is doing it and I'm going to be a follower. But really I have many journals where I've already written down many of my contemplations on life. Now it's just public I guess.